One Day at a Time
Notes on Getting Through with ADHD
Saturday, 11:25pm
Dear Diary,
I woke up today already tired. I’m beginning to notice that my weekends are starting to look the same: wake up, waste time on Instagram or Facebook or freaking Linkedin, eat some trash, watch some trash, take a depressing nap, and if I’m lucky, go out for chai or drinks in the night. And even as I lay in bed in the morning, wanting to do something different today, I had a feeling that I wouldn’t even know where to start.
I know I said I would use Saturday to respond to client emails and get back to everyone messaging me on Whatsapp…and I know I said the same last week as well. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t seem to sit down, open the damn inbox, and compose a response.
Now, what I did manage to do today was clean the kitchen, because I literally could not find my scissors anywhere. I ended up clearing and re-organizing the drawers, washed the dishes in hopes of finding it in the sink, and since I was there, I cleaned the stove as well. The scissors…I found were on my shelf in the study; I had used them yesterday in the night, and forgot them there. What ended up happening was that since I used up all afternoon cleaning the kitchen, I ran out of energy to cook, and so made-did with some PBJ. Time seems to slip away too easily.
To end on a hopeful note, I am getting in bed on time today, and I set four alarms to make sure I wake up on time. Wish me luck!
Sunday, 1:30am
Dear Diary,
Today was a good day! Here were my goals for the day: make my bed, make a dentist appointment, call my mom, and clean out my fridge. My therapist has been encouraging me to do some stretches while I’m in bed, and I find that when I start with some movement, I manage to gain some momentum for the day. I stretched, made my bed, made a BIG breakfast, washed the dishes, and then…I sat down. I freaking sat down. You know what happens when I sit down: nothing, nothing happens when I sit down. I sat and thought about whether I should clean the fridge or call my mom first, and I thought and thought and thought, and soon I was so tired, that I passed out on the couch.
Thankfully, my mom called me and woke me up. I hated to admit that I had fallen asleep again, but I was glad that she did. She told me that she had some food to drop off, and was going to come by in an hour. That’s what I needed! I leapt out of the couch, cleaned the kitchen, cleared the fridge out, and even found some time to put together a fruit basket and a pot of chai before my mom arrived.
While having chai with my mom, she mentioned that she needed to make an important call. That reminded me of the important call that I have been putting away for a month, and we both made our calls together. It took all of 3 minutes, Diary. Three minutes.
Monday, 11:15pm
Dear Diary,
Hello friend, thanks for asking how I’m doing. I had a difficult day today, and you have no choice but to hear about it. I woke up slightly later than I hoped, and I’m not sure why that threw my off completely. I skipped breakfast, didn’t get to the dishes, didn’t bother watering the plants, didn’t respond to any messages or emails. And it’s not that I didn’t want to, I just…couldn’t. It’s hard to explain, but as the tasks started to pile up around me, I grew more and more overwhelmed. And today, I did what I do when I feel overwhelmed: order some food and get back in bed. The worst part is, I didn’t even enjoy the food! The entire time, I could only think of the wilting plants and the unread emails and the dirty dishes. But, did I get to any of them? Nope.
By evening, I was beginning to gross myself out so I decided to wash my face, and managed to brush my teeth even though the sensation of the toothpaste on my tongue felt so uncomfortable. That’s another thing — I learned that people like to wash their face and brush their teeth, and don’t find it excruciatingly hard to do it twice a day! Anyway, since I was in the bathroom, and my face was wet already, I thought I could wash my feet and my arms. That felt pretty good; my therapist and I have been talking about doing what I can when I can’t get myself to shower.
The good news is, I made myself some dinner, and did about half the dishes. The plants will (hopefully) get watered tomorrow, and I’m going to spend the rest of the night in bed with a book in one hand, my phone in the other, and a movie playing on the TV. Good night!
Wednesday, 11:00pm
Dear Diary,
Sorry I didn’t write yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch last night while watching that Korean drama. There’s something about that couch, I sleep so much better on it than my bed! Anyway, against all odds, I woke up feeling pretty energetic in a carpe diem kind of way. I think one of the reasons for that was that I cleaned yesterday, and I woke up to a spotless house; a clutter-free space helps declutter my mind as well. I should really remember this when I’m feeling disoriented.
I spent most of the day working, and caught up with everything I had been putting off for a week! I responded to emails, applied for two jobs (don’t tell my manager), read about 50 pages of a book I’m reviewing, and even organized my drawers! After I was done, I drove to the park and walked for about an hour. It felt awkward and I was bored, but I did it because my therapist assigned it to me this week. It’s supposed to help me relax or something, I guess. I came home, showered, did my skincare (I know, who am I??), and got in bed. Hope tomorrow’s decent too!
Thursday, 11:15pm
Dear Diary,
This is going to be a short one. I feel so…bleh. Is bleh a clinical word? It should be. When I tell my therapist my day was bleh, she always asks me to describe the bleh, because everyone’s bleh looks different. So, today the bleh feels like rocks in my socks; I’m dragging my feet from room to room, bouncing off the walls like a battery-operated car. This may sound weird, but sometimes I feel like my skin is wrapped too tight around my bones, like a wet t-shirt clinging to my body in all the wrong ways. Is that strange? I wish I knew one more person who feels like this, so I don’t feel so alone all the time. Sigh.